I almost died at 3AM

I died. I was crying as I bid goodbye to my family. I hugged them as much as I could, then a lady took my hand and told me that we should go. I went with her. She took me to the entrance of a tunnel or a circular door with a white light inside. As I stepped in, everything around me was blank where occasional lights blinked here and there. Then we came to a reception area. I saw others who were waiting. A woman at her desk was calling out our names and listing names of living people whom we could visit. In this case, it was my mom. Then the date I died was also written - April 29 (Today is November 23, 2015 by the way). I thought that this was the same month where my beloved cat had died (April 19). I felt happy and excited because I might be able to see him again. I tried to blink to test if I was really dead. Yes, I was indeed dead. I wondered what mom would have felt knowing I died earlier than her. Did my sisters cry? I felt sad that I was only able to live 25 years of my life (I'm 27 by the way). As I was thinking about this, I woke up. I told my mom about my dream. She shrugged it off but I could see from her face that she was worried. I woke up a second time around. It was a double dream. I looked all around me. Oh my God, I'm still alive. I could never thank God enough that I was able to open my eyes, wake up, and be alive again. I'm still wrapping my head about what this could mean, but this really made me feel really pensive today.

PS: The last time I had this kind of dream, one of my classmates in high school died a few days later.

A Little Pig's Cry

Mom, I don't want to die.
I want to see this beautiful world.
I'm only a few years old.
But they are planning to take my life soon.

Mom I don't want to die.
But they took me away,
To a dark room along with our own kind.
We are all scared, Mom.

Mom, I don't want to die.
Where are you? Help me.
I don't see them coming back anymore.
I only hear a cry from afar.

Mom, I don't want to die.
But it's already my turn.
I am going to miss you.
Please remember me always.

Mom I don't want to die.
They stabbed my stomach.
They slit my throat.
I cried as loudly as I could.

Mom I don't want to die.
I squealed in pain,
As I see my own blood flowing out of me.
The world around me is getting dark.

Mom, I don't want to die.
But they didn't understand me.
They only laughed as they talked about me.
But their voices are fading now.

Mom, I don't want to die.
But God is calling me now.
He said it wasn't my time yet.
But He still welcomes me.

Mom, I didn't want to die.
Don't let this happen to my siblings.
Don't let them die for the wicked beings.
They deserve to live.

Mom, I didn't want to die.
But I already am.

Note: My writing prompts come at the most unusual times and at the oddest places. This one was inspired when I was riding a jeepney on the way home and I heard a  pig's squeal/scream along the highway. It was a distressful cry that it made me impulsively compose in my mind because I had no pen and paper in hand. When it was safer, I decided to get my phone and write the whole thing until I reached home.

Cosplay plans

I'm not really a cosplayer but I do want to try cosplaying someday since I am an anime fan. Here are my current list of characters that I'd like to cosplay:

Biscuit Krueger

Kagome

Asuna

  

Silica

Neferpitou

About Me

I am Rowena. I won't be posting any slumbook-type facts here. Instead I will tell you the less tangible side of me.

I am me. I like simple things such as the following:

• rainy nights
• warm soup
• bubbles
• silent dawns
• cats
• sincere smiles from passers-by
• rhythm
• old letters from friends
• nature
• taking pictures of rare moments, taking pictures of things that are important to me, taking pictures of the beauty of the world
• cartoons
• seafood
• sea breeze
• writing random thoughts
• daydreaming
• sharing wisdom
• dancing
• feeling the wind on my face
• clouds/cloudy days
• rainbow
• stars
• games, puzzles
• laughter
• true friends
• true love
• colors
• flowers
• ice cream, chocolate, cakes

Tuesdays are crappy days for me, while Thursdays are bliss.

According to the movie/book "Eat, Pray, Love", there is a word for everything and everyone. I have pondered long and hard about my word, and have found out that my word is "freedom". My spirit longs to be free. Since I was young, I had been my own prisoner. But now, I'm starting to unleash my wings in search for that freedom. In contrast, the word I despise the most is "desperation". Desperation causes people to do a lot of things they don't normally do - seek death, pursue violence, betray others, and so many other things.

I am constantly in awe of people who are living their destiny, who have fallen in love with their craft, and who have followed their passion. But what amazes me about these people is that by doing the things that they love, they somehow ingest a part of that enthusiasm within me. They are contagious! A short word for that is inspiration. But inspiration alone is not enough. That is why perhaps I am still stuck in life, because I had just stopped with inspiration, with not enough hard work.

I love exploring new things, new places, and making new friends. Unfortunately, I don't have enough opportunities nor time to pursue this. Or perhaps, I've let too many opportunities pass me by.

I believe in God but I'm not the religious type. I cannot boast about my faith being very strong, but it's there. I believe in Him and I trust Him that He will never leave me and that He will provide my needs. I also believe that He has already prepared my destiny and that He will take me there someday.

Learnings for today

Today, I learned that:

- Even if you have no experience, you can always learn through experience. Doesn't make sense but I just practically learned this today. Don't let the lack of experience hinder you from learning new things. Experience them as much as possible. Endless possibilities await.

- Humility, patience, and wisdom are still the best tools to revenge *wink wink*. Being a bitch doesn't help. It only makes things worse, makes you feel bad inside, and would just incite atrocity from others.

- Even if I have declared that I have lost faith, there is still that little voice inside me that doesn't want to give it up. I guess it's there for everyone. I am glad the little voice was able to speak to me again. I can hear it once again. It was muffled by all my negative emotions. But a release of those emotions last night and this morning really helped clear the clouds inside my heart.

Thank you, God. I can hear you once again.

Goodbye to you my friend

December 2004. It was our Christmas party. One person was missing: Carmelle Garces, who was confined to the hospital due to her illness. As we were all preparing to go home, my classmate Tonio suddenly approached me and gave me a drawing. He told me it was from Carmelle. Immediately, tears sprung from my eyes. 

I had been badgering her to give me a drawing even though she insisted many times that she can't draw. I still insisted because I wanted to have a remembrance from everybody and I told her that anyone can draw. 

I cried because even in her condition, she was still very thoughtful and kept her promise to give me a drawing. And like a domino effect, my other classmates were crying with me until almost everyone in class was crying. We were crying because she had been absent from school for many days already and we were all worried because she had been battling this illness for quite some time.

She was one of my close friends in high school who would patiently listen to me. And everyone loved her because of her funny yet innocent remarks. She was often my seatmate during rearrangements because both our family names start with "G", and whenever I'm with her, I feel really comfortable and at ease. As I always think to my self, she is one of my favorite classmates. 

January 2013. I received the news that she had already taken her eternal repose. It had been years since I last saw her. It now feels painful, awful, and sad. But I'm quite relieved that she doesn't have to continue the fight and suffer anymore.

As I look back on this drawing, I can't help but be glad that I badgered her in giving this to me. But even without this, she will remain in my heart and in my mind forever. I'm crying once more as I look at this drawing and writing this post which I am dedicating for her.

I'll miss her. I'll truly miss her. I wish I had replied more to her texts. But now, I pray for her soul to be happy there in heaven now. I hope God will take good care of her in heaven. I'm sure she will be a beautiful and funny angel there.   

Bizarre Dream

Today, I had a very bizarre dream. It went along like this:

I was chasing someone and I got hit something big and solid. I fell to the ground. I tried to get up but I could no longer do it. Suddenly I am watching my family members and friends become sad about my death. I tried to touch them. Yes, I could touch them. But they could not see me, nor feel me. I tried talking to them, but they had no reaction. Suddenly I was hit by a sudden realization. I only lived for 24 years...and that is all of it. I watched sadly at my neighbors and friends while thinking that they still all have a chance to grow old and live for more than the 24 years I've lived. And the dream shifted to another one.

This dream left me a feeling of total sadness and at the same time, relief and happiness. I was happy because it was all just a dream and I am alive, yes really alive! I could touch and talk to my loved ones again. It made me feel sad and afraid because I thought my life ended just that. It felt incomplete. I lived almost all my life trying to work hard and even harder. But I didn't really live my life as it deserves to be lived. That's why I'm glad that I was given another day to grow old and experience life.

I truly regret the careless times I said "I want to die already" every time I feel life is too hard on me. I didn't even realize that I'm luckier than other people who are struggling to live another day. This dream was literally an eye-opener for me (and I'm glad it did!). I just hope that in this new year, I can gradually live my life, fulfill my purpose, serve others, achieve the dreams of my soul, travel to new places, give more love to my loved ones and most of all give thanks to God for each and every single day he blesses me with.